The Case of the Ears
by Tricia-chan
Summary: The Zeros boys have a little fun and Soubi nearly has a heart attack. SoubixRitsuka, YoujixNatsuo


I don't own Loveless or the characters, Yun Kouga does (whom I also have to thank for Earthian). This is a totally cracked-out story intended to be OOC and humorous. I hope you enjoy!!

The Case of the Ears

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"

Kaidou Kio's shrill scream from his apartment only made Agatsuma Soubi pause briefly on the steps. He took the time to take a long drag off his cigarette before slowly climbing up the stairs. He suspected the reason behind Kio's screaming rested with the Zero boys. Soubi knew it wasn't anything HE had to worry about, unless the boys committed murder inside the apartment, wherein that case Soubi would reconsider taking them in.

His front door was wide open, but he didn't bother getting annoyed. "What's the matter, Kio?" he calmly stepped over the groceries Kio had dropped and headed towards his kitchenette without glancing at anyone.

"W-WHAT'S THE MATTER?!?!" yelled Kio, staring at him incredulously.

"Could you shut the front door for me?" Soubi didn't look up from his task of putting away the groceries until he felt Kio's hand grab his shoulder roughly.

"LOOK and see what's the matter!!" cried Kio, his eyes filled with tears. "Sou-chan, you…you hentai!!!!!"

Soubi took another drag off his cigarette and turned around to face Natsuo and Youji. What first caught his eye was his bed; it was stripped bare. Even his pillow case was missing.

Then his eyes rested on the Zero boys. Youji was sitting at the table and Natsuo was sprawled on his stomach. Both of them were reading books and trying to look as unassuming as possible. "What's this? I didn't know you two read."

"It's boring," said Youji in a dull voice.

"Would you rather we go cut up that cat from up the street?" asked Natsuo cheerfully.

"No." It was then that Soubi noticed it. The two seemed no different than usual. Except for one minor detail…

"So," said Soubi, putting out his cigarette. "You two lost your ears?"

Natsuo and Youji snickered. Kio was beside himself.

"How can you be so calm?!?! They're KIDS!!!! And you—with kids—"

"And can I assume you did it on my bed?" asked Soubi with some annoyance, pointedly ignoring Kio. "And that's why my bedding is missing?"

Youji shrugged remorselessly. "What, did you expect us to do it on the floor?"

"I gave you two a futon—"

"Which is the same as the floor," said Natsuo, not even looking up from his book. "Besides, it wasn't like we did it intentionally. Nagisa-sensei said we couldn't feel."

"…And you wanted to see just what she meant by that?"

"Boy was she wrong!!!" laughed Youji.

"We got a little…carried away," snickered Natsuo.

Soubi sighed again, heading for his fridge. "I don't think she anticipated you two would sleep with each other."

"Maybe she wanted Youji to continue being her 'little sister'," teased Natsuo. He sat up slightly to reach over and ruffle Youji's now smooth head.

Youji batted his hand away. "Shut up Tsun, that's annoying. I'm not anyone's little sister."

"Oh, I know that quite well." Both of them started laughing again.

Kio continued to look horrified at the situation. "Sou-chan…with kids…how can you—"

"I didn't fuck them, Kio. As you can see, they did it themselves while we were gone."

"Hai, we ruined Soubi's fun!!!" announced Natsuo rather loudly.

Soubi drank a little too much beer from the can. "I don't really care what you two do, but I ask that you refrain from having sex in my bed in the future."

"Fine," said the Zeros.

"W-WHAT?!?!" cried Kio. "You're gonna let KIDS have sex in your apartment?!?! That's as bad as doing it with them!!!!!"

Soubi shrugged and took a seat at the table. "It's not like they'd listen if I told them otherwise. Could you make dinner, I'm a little tired."

Kio sputtered for a few moments before grumbling to himself and gathering the rest of the groceries.

"…Aren't you gonna ask us how was it?" asked Youji.

"No." Soubi pulled out another cigarette.

"Aw, how boring!!!"

"Well, it was certainly fun!!" said Natsuo. "Even more fun since Ritsuka was with us!!!"

Soubi could've had a heart attack then. But instead he nearly swallowed his cigarette and had a severe coughing fit.

Natsuo continued, seemingly oblivious to Soubi's reaction to his proclamation. "Yeah, the poor kid showed up looking for you. Youji and I needed a test dummy to see what sex was like. Boy, did he put up a fight!!!!"

Soubi only coughed harder on the smoke while his anger rose dangerously. Ritsuka with Zero?!?! It didn't seem possible.

But…

"Once we started playing with him properly he seemed to loosen up a little bit—"

"Um, Tsun?" said Youji nervously, noting Soubi's change of attitude.

"—But then we couldn't decide who should top him. He's very obviously an uke—"

That was enough. Soubi launched across the table and grabbed Natsuo by the scruff of his neck. Youji yelped and grabbed one of Soubi's arms.

"What did you do to Ritsuka?" he asked in a cold voice, staring straight into Natsuo's eye.

Natsuo laughed nervously. "My you're territorial, Soubi!!! We didn't do anything to him!!!"

"Oi, let him go Soubi!!" yelled Youji. "Tsun was just screwing with you!!! We haven't seen Ritsuka at all today!!!!"

Very slowly, Soubi let Natsuo go. Without another word he grabbed his coat and took off running out the door.

"Huh." Natsuo brushed at his shirt. "You think Soubi'll take his ears after that, just to be safe?"

"Who knows?" said Youji. "I'm bored. Wanna go for another round?"

"Sounds good to me!!!"

"OI, I'M STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!" wailed Kio from the kitchen.

"So?"

---

Soubi could assume the Zero boys had been teasing him about Ritsuka as payback for having no interest in their newfound sexual exploits. But just in case…

With one fluid motion he landed on Ritsuka's balcony. The light was still on. He tapped on the glass, bracing himself for Ritsuka's appearance.

The curtain was swept aside and he saw Ritsuka wearing a small smile. And his ears.

The door slid open. "Soubi!! Where were you all day?"

Soubi didn't answer him. He reached out and tugged on one of Ritsuka's ears to see if they were fake.

"Hey—OW!!!!" Ritsuka slapped his hand and clutched his ear. "What was that for?! That hurt!!!!"

Soubi let out the breath he'd been holding and wrapped his arms around him.

"Soubi?" Ritsuka's arms came up awkwardly to touch his back. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

Soubi laughed a little and smiled brightly. "No. Everything's all right, Ritsuka."

Ritsuka groaned impatiently. "You're hiding something from me again!!! I thought I told you no secrets!!!"

"Everything _is _fine. Just…keep an eye on yourself, will you? Don't be game for someone else's amusement."

"…All right." Ritsuka's shoulders drooped in defeat but he didn't push Soubi away. "But what happened?"

---

Thanks for reading!!!


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